No no, not do things in the bluff! Rather to allow my actions to come through me unhindered – therefore would elicit honest and truthful reactions from people. In that instance, then I will (hopefully) get honest and uncensored feedback from those who I interact with. I would then use these lessons and interactions to better improve myself emotionally, spiritually, and hopefully professionally.
Exposing myself to criticism in an alive way has always been a problem for me. I grew up with two types of personalities: the extremely emotional and aggressive on one end, and extremely passive, meek, and submissive on the other. No middle ground…
That’s right, no middle ground.
As in my last post, the past 20 years I bought the bullshit of my relatives and parents – and this is part of it. I forgot who came up with this psychological theory (if someone has the name, please let me know), but basically a child is the product of their environment growing up, taking on the characteristics of those who are around them.
Basically the whole “nature vs. nurture” argument of growing up. I certain was tragically influenced more of nurture rather than my own nature. And since this past summer, more than ever, the nurturing that I received while growing up has proved to be far more embedded and destructive than I ever anticipated.
How to you explain to a friend that the reason why you acted the way you do is because you don’t know any better? I don’t know if I’m the only one, but it fucking sucks! How can I explain that there are certain nuances in my behavior that I can’t even see or notice myself?
That has been the main tragedy of my life – not being aware of the hidden demons that have invaded my conscious and subconscious over the years and buried themselves there.
Aikido has been a blessing, and my therapist as well – though I’ll admit for her I should be more forthcoming. But my battle is in full swing and unfortunately I will say – it will be consuming the vast majority of my mental and spiritual resources for the forceable future. All the meanwhile the people in my life move on to marriages, new jobs, new hobbies, and the next stages in life.
Meanwhile, I will continue taking the hits, and hopefully my new life will emerge from the ashes of the old one.