I’m a sore loser.
I was hanging out with friends yesterday at one of their homes playing Uno. many of them had won at least one round – while I was the only one who had won a round after 5.
I can’t explain it, but it seemed that after my friends started asking me “Man you have shitty luck, don’t ya?” was when I started getting nervous. I kept on thinking in my head, why the hell was I not winning? As the each person had their turn, I started getting nervous – and people started making fun of me.
Some of the mistakes that I made – such as placing a card of the wrong color, seemed “blown out of the proportion”. I also felt during this whole ordeal that they were taking pot shots at my own sanity – at my own intelligence! I was stumped and powerless.
This whole ordeal went for over 15 mins.
What got to me wasn’t so much the trash talking – but it was the powerlessness that i had to respond. Why couldn’t I respond? Why did my brain didn’t “work” hard enough and fast enough. Why did I feel powerless?
It was a very disconcerting feeling and state to be in. Now of course my friends all thought it was all good humor, I thought they were picking on me!
Now this feeling that I was picked on was so bad…it lasted until the next day at training – it didn’t help matters that I only had 4 hours of sleep.
The training today was horrid; I don’t think I’ve ever had a worst day of training in months. Whenever I train, one of the indicators that I’m having a good or bad day is in my rolls; If I rolled and didn’t get dizzy, it was a good day. If I rolled and I got dizzy – it was a bad one. Now of course from time to time, I’d do a roll and get dizzy but my system would automatically adjust and all will be back to normal.
Not this time.
It was for the whole training period. Why? Because during the whole training I couldn’t let go of the anger I had against my friends for being such dicks. During the whole class I was saying to myself “Let it go, let it go, let it go.” to no avail. It was as if my brain decided that the most important thing to think about was the event the night before.
It was a terrible training, thank god Sensei didn’t ask me to uke for him. I also got the impression that I was wearing a scowl on my face since some people on the mat looked or gave me looks of surprise.
Upon reflection throughout the day, I realized several key things that was making me so mad at my friends:
I didn’t have a verbal response to my friends’ (to them) good natured “poking”.
I’m usually very docile and trusting – especially to who I feel comfortable with
I was in my “relaxed” mode – I wasn’t present and alert because I fully trust them and their judgement of my actions.
Since I was already in the state given in #3 and 2, the poking came very slowly yet deeply. I remember feeling like I was retarded and that they were making fun of me because of it.
I often make mistakes during card games (I’m only good at Speed). So these otherwise innocent mistakes would be magnified and exploited for fun at the expense of my momentary miscalculation.
Lastly, I realized I was in this same mental state before – way back in elementary school where the students were making fun of me and I didn’t pick up on their jokes until it was too late.
Do I forgive my friends? Yes I do, but the main point here isn’t that my friends will have to apologize for their actions, it’s that I need to develop a strategy to defend my actions especially in an event (in the case of the game Uno) that I accidentally place a blue card on top of a red card.
I guess my friends (accidentally and without knowing it) found one of my weaknesses – me being a sore loser. Heh, I’m not a very competitive man, but I realize I hate losing. I absolutely hate losing…
Cue in vengeance music…
Just kidding, I don’t come down on my friends like that – at least not explicitly.