I have a big confession to make:
I’m an astrology nerd.
No I’m not one of those who plan out the day around the planets. But I am a man of knowledge and discovery.
It all started some years ago: I forgot what exactly happened but it all started with me learning about my Sun Sign (that’s the “main” sign for the non-Astrology people – it’s a Scorpio btw).
Then a few years rolled by and all I can say is that it has snowballed into my subscribing to daily “horoscope” readings (at least half of the info is click bait, but it’s always fun to read – don’t believe everything that you read).
That being said I stumbled upon this article and one part stood out to me:
Jupiter comes into Libra every 12 years. Think back to 12 years ago and look at what you were learning. How were you treating yourself? What did you think of yourself? What was the state of your relationships? It’s time to update all of the above.
12 years ago in 2003/2004 I couldn’t wait to “get out and move as far away as possible” from my emotionally unstable family. Little had I known then that I was wholly unprepared to be on my own.
My only goal then was exactly that and little else. Looking back I had one that messed up my college experience (as well as my 20s as well):
The social condition that I had at that time.
Now I found out the hard way that we’re all creatures of our environment if we’re not careful and self aware. I also discovered the hard way that I didn’t have the ability to development “myself” growing up, I was basically my parents’ emotional and social copy during the past 12 years.
A few details:
- Lack of self-awareness with individual and interpersonal boundaries – often labelled as “creepy” (Primary reason why people were weirded out by me).
- Extreme disinterest when it came to personal and societal surroundings.
- Extreme lack of trust in opportunities that (what turned out to be) potentially helpful in my future (read: brooding “I’m too good for the world”)
- I had no self-esteem and confidence to speak of (read: no dating life for all 4 years)
- Extremely negative self-talk!
- Extreme lack of trust in myself, my own abilities, and in other people (read: walking zombie among the living).
Basically, I was a brooding, sex-deprived, loner asshole. To say that I was mess back then is an understatement.
Looking back, I wouldn’t trade the decisions I made in my 20s to improve my emotional and psychology health (seeing a professional, training in Aikido, etc.), and I’m proud of the fact that I’ve crossed out several off of the above list – but I do have a long way to go.
So now that I’m heading into a new phase of my life, the same question rings through my mind as it did when I was 18:
What the hell do I want?
But now I have a different question and a different situation – and (hopefully) a better plan of attack.
Who I am going to be once I get “there”? What will keep me going through the good, bad, depressing, and unknown times?
If there was any major lesson that I learned from my college years – it’d be that it doesn’t matter where you are going – what matters is who is going there.
Whatever “there” is.